Because She Believed - A Story of Faith and Hope
Julie, Grace, Brooke, and I left the hospital after the last of our family and friends had departed. It was difficult to imagine the path that lay before us as we walked across the parking lot in the brisk morning air. The gentle breeze on my face and the soothing song of an unseen bird helped quiet the rush of emotions as I turned back for one last glance at the now distant doors of the E.R. The finality of leaving this place without Kristen struggled against the peace that rested in our confidence of her eternal home with Jesus.
The drive from Charlotte back to Mooresville was surreal, to say the least. We were stepping into a new season of life—one without our feisty little island girl. Many names have been used to describe her… Squirpy by her family, Lilo or Little KHuff by her close friends, Fierce by those who crossed her, Lani by her birth family, little Boo by her mom (big Boo), and Baby Girl by me. But the most cherished of all her names was her eternal identity,“Child of the Living God!” And she wasn’t shy about letting others know it.
As we drew closer to home, each of us was quietly absorbed in our own thoughts. My mind wandered back to my time of struggle with God. How could I share such a time of intimacy and trial with Julie, much less with anyone else?
God had not led me to take my struggle with Him beyond the pages of my journal and even sparingly there. Only the major milestones made it to paper, and they formed an outline of a gentle yet firm journey from my Easter prayer to the night He called Kristen home. That night, He reached down from heaven and lifted her spirit from its tiny, broken shell and carried her to her room in His mansion, to the place He had prepared for her. Even as I write these words, I am still amazed at the beauty and intimacy of my time with Him. But, how could I explain the unexplainable to my wife, a mother who has just lost her child?
Then God spoke to my heart, “Do not be concerned. I have prepared her heart to receive the words I shared with you and to accept the gift I have given you. You cried out to me and asked to see my heart, and I have honored your request. I have given you a glimpse into My heart regarding the cost of sin, and you have tasted the pain of loss that comes from it. You and Julie were made one flesh in Me. It is time for her to receive what I have shared with you.”
We arrived back at our house shortly before 7 a.m. The girls and I went inside to gather our thoughts and to consider what we were to do next. We talked a bit about things that I can’t remember before Brooke gave us each a hug and then headed home to rest.
Following her lead, we prepared to lie down for a while to gain strength for the day ahead. We knew we would face some hurdles that would challenge us in ways we had never been challenged before.
Grace went up to her bedroom, with Julie and I close behind. When we had readied ourselves for a nap, I sat down beside Julie, grasped her hand, and prayed. It wasn’t an eloquent prayer; it was a prayer of thanks to our Father… for His goodness and grace, for His love and mercy, for His intimacy with us, and for the time He had given us to be with Kristen, to be her mom and dad!
Julie and I lay down and attempted to get some needed sleep. We napped off and on for the next couple of hours but never could quite fully embrace the rest we sought. We eventually gave up and decided to move forward with our day. There was much to do to prepare for the celebration of Kristen’s life, and we needed to set some goals in order to keep moving forward.
After we showered and dressed, I took Julie’s hand and sat her down on the edge of our bed. I looked into her eyes and asked if she remembered my words in the hospital: “Sometimes God has bigger plans than we can imagine.”
She answered, “Yes, I remember.”
I responded, “This is one of those times.” Then I asked, “Do you remember when we watched ‘The Passion’ musical a couple of months ago? Do you remember me crying the whole time?”
“Yes.”
I continued, “That’s when God showed me His heart regarding sin. That’s when He showed me that Kristen was going to leave us. He said to trust that it was going to serve a bigger purpose than I could imagine.”
She looked at me with kindness in her eyes and quietly said, “I’m so sorry you had to carry that burden by yourself! I knew something was weighing on you because you have been so quiet and introspective lately.” She continued, “With such a heavy burden, did you ever think about sharing it with me?”
I honestly answered, “No, not really. Although the struggle with God over Kristen was difficult, it was also intimately beautiful. There was a delicate balance between the struggle and God’s grace… and His grace always won in the end.” She hugged me and said she was sharing the burden with me now, and we would continue this journey of faith together.
The two months that God had been sharing his heart with Paul had helped him prepare for the loss of Kristen’s physical presence in our lives. I did not have that time to prepare, so her death was much more of a shock for me. I don’t remember all of the specifics of that first week, but I do remember the peace that came over me when Paul shared about his struggle with God. I can’t explain my reaction in any other way than I had a peace that surpasses understanding.
-Julie
God had assured me during our drive home from the hospital that He had prepared Julie’s heart to receive the revelation of my struggle with Him over the preceding two months. Wow, did He ever deliver on His word!
Okay, before we move into the details of our story, I want to be very clear: I don’t believe God caused the accident, and I don’t believe He needed my permission to do what He desired. What I do believe is, He wanted to use what was coming for good and He wanted Kristen’s transition from this life to the next to be as smooth as possible. I had asked Him to let me see His heart, and He was using His foreknowledge of my daughter’s accident to honor my prayer. Her death was going to serve a higher purpose as God used it to reveal His heart to me.
With that being said, I know it will be difficult for many to understand or even believe that God answered my prayer by taking me through two months of struggle that ended with the loss of my child. I don’t know if there are words to describe what I experienced during that time, but I will do my best.
The process was as delicate as it was challenging. Each time I sat quietly before the Lord and sought His heart, it was like a beautifully choreographed ballet. The times of struggle with Him never left me defeated or in despair. It was as though God gave His Spirit to me in measure so I would not be overwhelmed with His presence or with the shadow of loss that was slowly taking form.
Describing a process that is beyond the realm of our “normal” experience is still difficult…even when sharing it with another person of faith. It gives new context to the accounts of God’s Spirit, His angels, or His prophets and the sharing His words through visions, dreams, and prophetic words. I always found it curious that many biblical accounts don’t seem to portray the people who received God’s revelation as being frightened or distraught after the encounter. Many received God’s words as if a trusted friend were sharing with them an absolute fact. As with my experience, the given revelation related in Scripture may have been difficult to hear, but the receiving of it, even through a dream, vision or prophecy, often didn’t appear to be unusual to the receiver.
God speaks to us in many ways but many of us have been conditioned to only look for Him in a “religious” context.
But what does His Word say? We don’t need to look for God on a mountain or in a temple. We don’t have to be dressed up or in a religious building. He is with us in Spirit and in truth…every day, at all times.
Let Him speak to you as He has to countless others who have called Him Lord. Don’t be afraid to receive His revelation in a vision. Don’t be afraid to dream dreams!
Jesus’ life would have been much different if Joseph had discounted the dream God had given him through an angel.
“But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream…” (Matthew 1:20)
Consider our Bible without the writings of God through the apostle Paul. What if Ananias had rejected the Lord’s vision and never anointed Paul to preach the gospel of Christ?
“Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, ‘Ananias.’ And he said, ‘Here I am, Lord.’” (Acts 9:10)
How different would it be for us non-Jewish believers if Peter and Cornelius had ignored the visions from God that brought the good news to the Gentiles. (Acts 10-11)
“When they heard these things they fell silent. And they glorified God, saying, ‘Then to the Gentiles also God has granted repentance that leads to life.’” (Acts 11:18)
We must open our spiritual eyes and embrace the glory of God that is in us through His Spirit.
“The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them, because they are spiritually discerned” (1 Corinthians 2:14).
That is not to say that I always received His revelation regarding Kristen gracefully. At times, I struck out at God. I reacted from the frustration of a father. I wanted Him to flip a switch and stir up a revival in His people, but He said that sin is costly and the fruit of revival comes at a price.
God doesn’t just flip a switch and turn on a heart of revival in His people. The responsibility is ours. He does not force it on us. If we desire His heart, we will not settle for a lukewarm faith watered down by complacency. If we want revival, then we must carry the flame. God told me He was going to use the spark of life-giving grace He planted in Kristen as a testimony to the world. He reminded me to count the cost because we would have to sacrifice our worldly comforts to follow where He leads.
At the beginning of this process, God asked me if I would see sin differently if my child had to die for sin. The obvious answer was “YES!” Then He said something that allowed me a small glimpse of sin through His eyes, “All children will die because of sin. Everything dies because of sin. Sin brought death to my creation.” What a humbling truth! I had never looked at sin from a father’s perspective— from God’s perspective. I thought I had, but the pain that God experienced as a father had never really sunk in to the depths of my soul. This time I got it. I began to see the love the Father has for us and the pain He suffers each time we fall prey to sin. God knows the terrible cost of sin, and now I was starting to see it through His eyes. This realization was the answer to my prayer… and it broke my heart.
As the reality of my pending loss sank in, I asked God to remove this cup from me, and He answered, “A disciple is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master.” I pleaded with Him to find another way. One that wouldn’t leave me scarred. He replied, “If there were another way, I wouldn’t have sent my Son to redeem your daughter.” God never revealed to me a timeline for Kristen’s departure, but each time we talked, her face would come to mind. Each time I sat with Him, He would ask, “Would you see sin differently if it was your child?” And each time He asked, I saw my baby’s face.
I have often wondered about the foreknowledge of God. Considering His great love for us, how does He handle knowing all the evil things that are going to happen in this fallen world? How does He move forward when He can see every sin that will ever be committed? He sees every heart that will be broken. He knows every soul that will reject His grace and embrace the darkness. He sees all the tragedy that has been or ever will be in this world. He understands that no matter how much He sacrificed to redeem the world from sin, most will still reject Him and His Son. I have often wondered how He, knowing all that is coming, can still pour so much love into those He knows are approaching a tragic event…or even death.
I believe this was the second part of His answer to my prayer. The first had related to the brokenness He felt, knowing His Son was going to die because of sin. And now, I had spent two months struggling with Him over Kristen and the possibility that she would soon be lost to me. In that struggle, I tasted the heartache of knowing something tragic was coming, but I also tasted the grace of God in a way I had never experienced it before. There was a perfect harmony between the struggle of knowing of the impending tragedy and the comfort of His all sufficient grace.
I was never overcome by despair over my baby’s future or my inability to change what was coming, and I never felt as if this time with God was unusual or outside of the normal. I was never tempted to share this burden with others, not even my wife. God’s grace was all-sufficient for the gift He gave me of a glimpse into His foreknowledge regarding my daughter.
I trust that God’s foreknowledge is always in perfect balance with His grace. How else could He send His Son to the cross to die for those who despised Him?
This beautiful message is what I needed to share with my wife. This truth is what I had to shout from the rooftops. The love of God that compelled me to faith in His Son now compels me to testify of His goodness. His grace compels me to testify regarding the gift of intimacy He gave me when He answered my prayer to see His heart.
Through God’s gift, I witnessed the terrible consequences of sin and the heartbreak that He feels each time we fall victim to its seduction. God never winks at sin or downplays its destructive influences. Sin is so terrible and His love so great that the two clashed on the cross. On Calvary God’s love won an eternal victory over sin and death, but the victory came at a great personal cost to Him. He had to pour out all our sin on His Son. He had to watch Jesus suffer and die to free us from the bondage of our own sin. I now understood the pain of losing a child to sin; every death is a result of the sin that entered into our world through our rebellion.
