Because She Believed - A Story of Faith and Hope
Monday, May 30, was another full day of planning and preparing for something we could not have imagined even a few months before. We were weary in body but not in spirit. We knew the deep sorrow of unfulfilled dreams. We understood the heartache of saying goodbye to a child. We felt the weight of our love for Kristen longing to be released. But in the midst of it all, we felt His peace—a peace that truly surpasses understanding.
We learned there is an intimacy in the midst of the storm that can’t be found in calm waters. It comes when we have exhausted or abandoned our own strength and our own wisdom. It comes when our eyes and our heart are focused solely on Him. It comes when we truly understand that He is all we need. It was the tender mercy of God that we embraced during this time. That intimacy not only sustained us, it also transformed us.
“Don’t be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what is the good, well-pleasing, and perfect will of God” (Romans 12:2 WEB).
On that Monday, we had two essential tasks to complete to be ready for the visitation and service. The first was to pick out flowers for the casket. Julie’s brother, Jimmy, called some local florists and then suggested one he thought would understand our desire to keep things in line with Kristen’s style. We met Jimmy and Julie’s mom and dad at the flower shop. We wanted a casket arrangement that was light and delicate with smaller, wispy flowers. Our objective was to pick something Kristen would have picked herself.
Mama and Papa picked out a heart-shaped arrangement to frame Kristen’s picture. It would stand at the head of the casket to welcome guests during the visitation. Jimmy and his family picked a cross arrangement made from slender intertwined branches with flowers overlaid. We were able to keep a complementary color theme among all the arrangements. We hoped to set the tone of her visitation and service by creating the perspective of a celebration, so we wanted the flowers to be festive and bright. As children of God, our sorrow lasts only for a moment, but our joy for her is everlasting.
Each decision was made to promote a celebration of her life—not only the life we shared with her here but also the life Kristen now has in Jesus. Whatever our dreams for her had been, His plans are always better.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
We all enjoyed our time together picking out flowers and arrangements that Kristen would have liked. We left praising God for the gentle touch of His Spirit as He walked with us through each decision.
Julie and I parted ways with the rest of the family and headed to the Mooresville Town Hall to pay for the burial plots we had chosen the day before. We were both surprised and comforted when the mother of one of Kristen’s long-time friends met us there. She had just finished her training for her new job with the town… a job that included managing the purchase of burial plots. God is so personal in His care for us. Anyone could have helped us accomplish this task, but God wanted us to know He was walking this road with us.
You would think that was enough of a “God touch” for one day, but He wasn’t finished. We sat down to confirm the plots on the map and to arrange for payment. Our temporary angel looked up and said, “I’m not sure what happened, but the plots you picked are not available.” She paused for a few seconds while Julie and I looked at each other a little confused. She continued, “But I do have some good news, I hope. The people who had the plots next to Kristen’s grandparents have recently decided to sell them back to the town. They are open if you want them.” Julie and I smiled at each other with a knowing smile. We knew God’s Spirit was walking with us. Joy overflowed from the depths of our soul as we once again tasted the intimacy of our Father’s care.
We finished the paperwork to purchase Kristen’s plot and headed home. Several friends and family members were already there enjoying some food and fellowship. There would be more tears and laughter over the next several days than we could have ever imagined. Even in our darkest hour, we had joy. Our hope is hidden in Jesus, and that hope abounds even in the midst of our trials.
When the day had run its course and our friends and family had gone, Julie and I sat down to discuss the visitation and celebration services. We wanted to share with everyone the love and grace that God was pouring into us. We felt like a fountain filled to overflowing, and we wanted everyone to be refreshed from the overflow of His grace. Our desire was for others to experience His hope and peace in the midst of our storm. We were incredibly blessed, and we wanted to pass on that blessing to everyone we saw.
God’s faithfulness inspires me to trust Him in all things. He is a good, good Father! My spirit embraced the following words that He had shared with me.
In Christ, nothing is wasted,
No pain without relief,
No sorrow without joy,
No heartache without peace.
We looked forward to sharing His love with everyone who came to celebrate and grieve with us. These two actions may appear to be at odds on the surface, but for us, celebrating her life and grieving our loss are two sides of the same coin. They are both expressions of our great love for our precious baby girl.
With evening pressing in, we focused on finalizing the printed materials for the services. Julie and Lauren had finished the design for the visitation cards and the celebration order of service.
As I reviewed the visitation card, God was moving me to include a note from Kristen to her friends and family. Like my namesake the apostle Paul, I am not given to sharing lofty words of wisdom. After many attempts, I could not bring my thoughts together to express what needed to be said. So as the night wore thin, I finally gave up and emailed Lauren. I told her there wasn’t going to be a note for the visitation card.
When I sat down early the next morning for some quiet conversation with God, these are the words God gave me from Kristen’s perspective:
Kristen’s Story
My heart was so tender,
I tried to shield it well,
Under the hard exterior,
Of this outer shell.The smile that many loved
Was sincere yet full of pain,
But through the love of Jesus,
The victory I gained.My friendships were so dear,
Even though I didn’t always show,
Through the memories we shared,
We helped each other grow.I tried to hide my heart,
Down deep within my soul,
I was afraid to let it out,
Afraid where it might go.I struggled through deep water,
The trials of this world,
I could never quite overcome them,
As the storm around me swirled.My hope is hidden in Jesus,
He takes away all the pain,
When I abide in His loving kindness,
It’s like dancing in the rain.Don’t mourn the loss of my passing,
Don’t waste the time we shared,
I gave my all to you,
I pray you know I cared.I can’t be there to walk with you,
But my love will never cease,
Please seek my rock, my Jesus,
He is our one true peace.I pray you all will know Him,
He answered all my prayers,
Please grasp onto and hold Him,
So I will see you again upstairs.Thank you for the memories,
That together we all can share,
Don’t miss even one opportunity,
To show someone you care.We’re not promised tomorrow,
So cherish it all today,
I had to leave before you,
May my life help light your way.
The pouring out of His Spirit into mine on that early morning was as gentle as it was beautiful. It was one of the most intimate times I have ever experienced with Him. It reminded me of the intimacy I felt when He was with me as a teen as I was hanging, burned and broken, on that high voltage tower. The following verse describes the joy and intimacy I had with God that morning.
“No eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).
I could see Kristen sitting at His feet, her face looking up at Him as His Spirit touched hers. He knew what needed to be said to those she left behind. She was at peace as her words flowed forth from her heart. She felt no sorrow or fear, no anxiety over our lives here. She was enjoying personal, face-to-face fellowship with Him, an intimacy that required no words to be spoken.
I had no doubt that these were the words God wanted to be shared with Kristen’s friends. One of Kristen’s greatest strengths was also a source of weakness: Kristen was passionate. She loved hard, but she also fell hard.
When we adopted Kristen, I thought raising a daughter would be relatively smooth sailing. Oh, boy was I wrong. Julie had warned me about girls. They feel things deeply, much more deeply than I ever imagined. Kristen was even more raw at times due to her dual identity as an adopted child. The sense of belonging with an adopted child can be more fragile. This context often carries over to their friendships with peers. That was the setting for Kristen’s relationships with her friends. Big love, big fun, and at times… big hurt!
After all the late night conversations with my little girl regarding life’s struggles, I know, without a doubt, that she would have reached out to her friends to heal any wounds from the past… if only she had known she was leaving. The poem “Kristen’s Story” contains the unspoken words God had inspired me to share from my many hours spent with Kristen discussing her relationship highs and lows.
I couldn’t help but wonder how God would work all the parts of the visitation and service together. We had stopped by earlier in the day to see our baby and to finalize the visitation details with the funeral director. Julie and I discussed our options and decided to keep the casket closed during the visitation and service. We would have a brief time for the family to see her and say goodbye, but we wanted everyone to remember her when her spirit was still there, full of life and love. The shell had served its purpose as her temporary house. Her spirit was now at home with her Lord. There was no more pain or weakness or sorrow. The temporary was replaced with the eternal.
“For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling… He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee” (2 Corinthians 5:1-5).
What would our focus be as people came by to show their love and support? Would we hold onto the grace that God was pouring into us, or would grief demand center stage? Don’t get me wrong; we have grieved the loss of her physical presence with us. We have grieved the loss of her dream to raise her children in Hawaii. We have grieved for all the tomorrows that will come and go without her bright smile and laughter. We have grieved that we will not hear her say mommy and daddy again. I have longed for one more hug, one more kiss, one more…
The truth is, our story is not about everything being roses and rainbows. Our hearts as parents have been torn by our loss. It is hard for me to imagine that there will be no more hiking or shooting adventures with my little partner in crime. I’ll miss her picking at me that her target looked much better than mine. Her mother and I will forever long for unfulfilled dreams. But thank God our story doesn’t end there. Our story is about trusting Him in the midst of the heartache, in the midst of the loss, and in the midst of sorrow. It is about His grace that sustains us when all else fails. It is about His intimacy that comforts us when we feel lost. It is about our absolute confidence in the only One who can make the wrong things right. It is about faith!
Following are the words that came from my heart the morning after Kristen’s accident. As we rested from our long night at the hospital, I reflected on the countless conversations with her that God had given me as a gift. These memories are priceless. There is nothing more valuable than time spent loving and being loved.
Reflections of a Daughter’s Heart…
I am a sinner and a saint.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes.I don’t always succeed, but I give it my all.
Sometimes I rise up, but other times I fall.My Spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
I am a sinner and a saint.
Through the weakness of the flesh,
I was born a sinner.
Through faith in Jesus,
I became a saint. SelahThis is not the end of my story
I have much more to tell.
But I am resting for the moment.
That last day was hell.I am resting in my Jesus,
and in His loving care.
He gave me my story,
and He asked me to share.If one heart is drawn to Him
Through my life or my death.
Then every struggle was worth it
And in peace I will rest.
The following are some personal notes and Scripture from Kristen’s journals. They are a window into her heart, her faith, and her struggles. Thank God that our struggles are not our destiny. They are only opportunities to experience His grace in deeper and more powerful ways.
I thank God that I am new!
2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
What can I do with my life to make God happy? I love to make people laugh when they feel down.
Psalms 139:14: I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
God leads me away from evil, but I don’t always follow.
Psalms 121:8: The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.
The best advice I have ever received was from my parents. My dad and mom told me when I was little that even in the hardest time, I have to believe God is there with me… loving me always. I have heard Him talk to me. When I get upset, I can feel Him telling me to be calm.
John 14:25-26: These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.
One day I would like to move back to Hawaii. I lived there for almost two years, and I love it there. Right now, I would love for God to tell me what to do with my life… whether it will be an adventure or a quiet life.
Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
I praise God and ask Him to forgive me for my sins.
Psalms 27:6b: I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
I sin every day & I am fully aware of what I do, but I call myself a Christian?! My faith in the Lord is weak right now, and I feel lost. Going to Hawaii (graduation gift) really opened my eyes. I was surrounded by so many strong Christian friends who radiate the Lord’s love… I realize I am not doing that very often anymore. I need to find my way back to His light.
Luke 6:46: Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?
Tonight, as we studied the Bible together as a family, my father taught me that we can love someone who sins (because we all sin). But it is because of our love that we should call each other out on our sin. That doesn’t mean that we are mean or harsh about it; we pray for each other and teach each other what the Bible says about our sin. We may not understand the choices of others, but we love them just as God loves us.
John 3:16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
I am having a hard time with cigarettes. Right now they have a hold on me. They are slowly killing me, and I’m fully aware of it. But I still light them up and put their toxic waste in my body. On my own, it is obvious that I am not strong enough to stop. I need to pray and let God guide me back. I am ashamed that I let the enemy get this hold on me…
1 Corinthians 10:13: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful [and you can trust Him], and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will [always] also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
We must be patient and faithful. God is God, and we are not!
Revelation 13:10: If anyone is to be taken captive, to captivity he goes; if anyone is to be slain with the sword, with the sword must he be slain. Here is a call for the endurance and faith of the saints.
Don’t hide your light.
Romans 6:23: For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
The church has no power without God. Only God can open and close doors.
Revelation 3:7, 11: And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: ‘The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens… I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown.”
Relationships are vital to our faith.
1 John 4:19-21: We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
** The Gospel is for you! **
Romans 4:20-25: [Regarding Abraham,] No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. That is why his faith was “counted to him as righteousness.” But the words “it was counted to him” were not written for his sake alone, but for ours also. It will be counted to us who believe in him who raised from the dead Jesus our Lord, who was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.
-Kristen
As a Mom reading her journal, I was touched by her thoughts and words. I knew Kristen had faith, but it was so sweet to see her thoughts on paper. She usually spoke with her dad when she had questions or concerns about her faith. It is such a blessing to know what God was doing in her heart. Parents, never give up! Our kids are always listening and watching us and those around them. Seek to make sure they have Godly people in their path. Thank you, Lord!
-Julie
